Thursday, April 26, 2012

CAPTAINS LOG 01/26/2010 Old People Hate Me


My day started like any started with the song "I Like Big Butts" blaring into my ear. My cell phone has decided that when it is charging it flips back and forth between vibrate and my ring tone...So at any time during the night I could be vibrated...or I can get jiggy wit' it.

So at approx 6:45am, the cell phone goes off and at that same son--also known as Baby Huey--hurtles himself down the stairs, and is saying as he walks past my bed: "Hey--I have to be at the school at 7:30am today--ok?". Friggin awesome...

I trudge into Sophie's room--the whole time doing the "Pee Pee" dance, because Huey charged in to the bathroom before I could relieve my child-bearing bladder...Sophie is sprawled out like a crime scene victim in her bed...I flip the light on and say "Hey--Bubby has to be at school early, you need to hustle!"....she doesn’t even open her eyes... but instead she growls..." said there would be a 2hr delay."...I advise her that I was wrong (ggrrr) and that she needs to get her scrawny ass moving...she then says "Call the school and tell them we need a delay, they will listen to you because your scary." Ok...thanks daughter...

I finally handle my business in the bathroom, and send Huey out to start the car...I am currently driving the NISSAN!--(say it like you are yelling GODZILLA!)....the NISSAN! is held together with duct tape and prayers...however...since the Kevorkian mobile decided that overdrive was just too stressful to go into, and may need a new transmission. So Huey goes out and about 5min later he comes in and says "The car won’t start."...I stare at him...its 7:21am...he repeats himself...I then say--"what did it sound like?"---side note: I have no friggin clue why I asked him this--I’m not a mechanic...but for some reason I thought I could hear his interpretation of the sounds the NISSAN! was making--and miraculously diagnosis the problem.

Huey takes his hand and acts like he is starting the car (I guess that is how he was going to be able to get into character)...and he sputters and grunts and does something like "Uuuu--uuuu--uuu". clue what that means. I throw him the keys to the van and tell him "ok...start the Kevorkian mobile, and lets roll out." The whole time I am in a panic, now...what did Willie tell me about the van not acting right in reverse?...We load up, and I shift it into problems...I'm feeling like its going to be ok...So I drop off various kids to 2 different locations and head home...Willie will be home by then and can make the NISSAN! all better.

Willie comes home, and I tell him everything--he goes out and the frickin car starts...of course I'm an idiot, and damn my uterus for not allowing me to understand an engine...thank God it can find socks, lost keys and safety pins--since it doubles as a homing device for the family unit.

I leave, go to the IGA gas station--freeze my ta-tas off pumping gas...get my NECTAR OF THE GODS and head soon as I get over the bridge at 55--heading towards Pine Village...a rusty old truck with an old man driving it, pulls out on front of me. I of course curse at him...but settle into a slow pace behind him and wait it out until I can pass. Welp--for anyone that drives that road--it ummm gets passing was not an option...

I follow his old ass to Pine Village, and I had already decided that today called for a donut or some kind of sugary lard based treat...he pulls in to the store when I do. I get out...he gets out... he has a cane and I feel kinda bad for all the names I called him while following him into town. We are both deciding on what treat to get, that will kill us fastest---and I go to walk up and I will be damned if he doesn’t cut in front of me...I take a step back...I mean, who am I to be mean to an old man right? I was raised right damnit...So I wait...and he counts out $0.89 in nickels and pennies to the guy behind the counter. I may have been thinking about just kicking him for a minute--I CAN ADMIT THAT.

I leave, and since he has such a great head start on me---which even now I can’t figure out how his old ass got to his truck so fast as slippery as it was...but anyways...SURE enough--I am behind him again...heading towards West Lafayette. BIGGG SSSIIIGGHHH....

Now...this is where the story takes a turn...and I know you have all been waiting patiently for it...I get behind him and I was kinda close behind him--BECAUSE I was getting ready to pass him...and all of a sudden he slams on his brakes! I panic and slam on mine--we are now both sideways in the middle of the highway. I get out of my car, and slop thru the mush and snow to make sure our cars did not touch---and apparently he is a spry old man because he was out of his car as well.

I walk up to him and say "did an animal jump out? Are you ok?"’s natural for me to assume an animal jumps all know why...anyways... he has his cane and looks at me and says "I slammed on my god-damn brakes to get you off my ass!!"....I would have loved to have seen my face...I’m sure it was one of "hey there little sweet old man..." then to "I will drop kick your ass in a minute fartknocker!"...

I look at him and say "well I am sorry—see, I have been stuck behind your truck for the last 30 minutes between Attica and West Lafayette--and I may have lost my patience and wanted to pass you." I didn’t even bring up the whole store incident...cuz you know--I’m trying not to work myself up into a lather. I say "Will you be able to get your car back on the highway properly?"...and he says "Why don’t you give me a shove with your car, since you like being on my ass.".......yeh.....

I’m not proud of what transpires after this point...I can say that now...but remember I was provoked--and anyone that knows me-- knows that if that would have been someone under the age of fricken 100 yrs old I would have gotten busy on their ass.

I walk over near him and say "Sir, there is no need to be rude...Im sorry...I will just get back in my car, and I will get ahead of you."....AND I SWEAR TO GOD...he takes his cane, and runs it across the top of his car and flings snow in my face. I am now standing there...with a wet head and smeared make up...So I look at him and say "if you f*cking fling snow at me one more time, I will throw your senile ass down and break your hip".....I know...(please pray for my soul)...he then says "when I was your age I was taught respect for my elders."....I then say...with a smile "When you were my age you were taught from cave drawings, so get your prehistoric ass in your car and we will call it a day."...I am pretty sure he muttered something about me being a "smartass bitch"...not sure--I was growling so loud I couldn’t hear well.

So---I turn around and walk away to my car...and he has now gotten his geriatric ass into the car and has the door open and looks back, just in time to see me fall and bust my ass on the concrete...I just laid there in the middle of 26, for a minute deciding how long it would take for a semi to just hit me...and I hear him cackle and cough, cackle and cough --and yells "Thank God you have a fat ass for that fall little girl!."....then he flings snow on me with his tires and leaves.

Wanna know what the f*ckin morale of this story is??? Why in this world is it ok for us to put down dogs when they get "too old"---but yet you think about euthanizing one little old man, and you’re all of a sudden Satan’s mistress?

I guess I wont be volunteering at the old folks home anytime instead I will sit here with my wet rear end...wet bra (he was surprisingly accurate when he flung that snow down my shirt)...and be glad of my youth--and my general sunny disposition--I mean there is NO WAY I will ever be a mean ass old woman...geesh...(quit laughing!)


  1. I am cracking up! I was already laughing and then you got to the part where you busted your ass! Now my laughter is in overdrive! And I needed that today!

  2. OMG I cannot wait until your book comes out. I WILL BE FIRST IN LINE! I haven't read something ever in my LIFE that has made me laugh THIS HARD!


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