Tuesday, June 26, 2012

O-P--O-S-S-U-M not Oh-F-*-C-K-A-O-P--O-S-S-U-M

My quickest route to work from my new home is heading over the river, a right at Cicott Park and following the river bottoms to Greenhill, and then finally a right on 26 into Montmorenci and onto 52W. I've noticed that while taking this way, it opens up many opportunities to see some of Gods majestic creatures...whether that be deer that jump out in front of your vehicle...snapping turtles that are not ninja-like at all...snakes that make a satisfactory crunch when you run them over. Yep...I see it all. Every once in a while I can scare the crap out of a group of snobbish bicycle riders that dominate the center of the road--well...because you know, they are the only humans who can wear spandex and NOT end up on "What Not To Wear".

However, by taking this route-- I am at the mercy of the cellular Gods to see if I will have service. So if I have any car issues or need to make an emergency call-- I'm screwed. I am always listening for the tell-tale sign of the wobbling tire...or smoke rising from my hood. Let's face it--I don't drive the nicest vehicles. I have looked and trudged through lots on a Saturday--tolerating cheesy salesmen (my Dad was one, I'm allowed to say that). But I just can't wrap my head around making those payments. My cars run, and when I'm lucky--everything works on them.

So today the Nissan and I are trucking through Greenhill--such a sleepy little town? Is it a real town? I'm not sure...all I know is they have one stop sign and I never see anyone moving outside their homes. The Nissan is blasting me with glorious cold air --see the Kevorkian mobile decided that air conditioning was a luxury I could learn to live without. Ummmm no, I'm a chubby ginger-not happening. Anyways...air going, radio cutting in and out (the antennae was ripped off at some point 5-7yrs ago-I think there is some other random metal stick shoved in its place. On a good day we can pick up Z96--or about 15 Christian channels, that seem to only come in clear.....andddd noooo I'm not taking that as a sign, so shut it.) and I feel a slight wobble in the front end.

I pull off to the side of the road into a grassy ditch area and get out to stare at my tires. I am one of those people that think my tires are flat CONSTANTLY. They always look on the edge of just deflating and leaving me stranded. So I am staring trying to convince myself that 'noooo the tires are fine Charisma--there is no way they are going to fly off your car as your going 60mph down 52W--and you will crash in a fiery heap...nope not gonna happen.'....gotta ask...am I the only one who's voice in their head is just as paranoid and neurotic as their real voice?

So I make the final decision that the tires are ok, and I go to walk back around the front of my car--and I see something out of the corner of my eye. Perched right next to my foot...enjoying some grass in the sunlight. My eyes say "awww little white kitten touching my flip flop.." butttttt my brain registers what it really is...and its a little white opossum touching my flip flop. I want to take a minute and apologize to anyone who may have had their windows open in Greenhill this morning--I am not even sure what tongues I was talking in...but it went something like "OH F*CK THATS A F*CK'N OPOSSUM-SON OF A B*TCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and then I screamed...and then I punted it.

Here's the deal folks...when you are going to have to kick ass and fight for your life against wild animals--you may want to wear shoes, not flip flops. My right flip flop went airborne along with the opossum, and landed in the cornfield. I am now standing next to my car, with one leg lifted and no flip flop, doing the heebie jeebie dance--and muttering something like "it touched my foot, it touched my foot" over and over. Frik....I gotta go into the cornfield and find my flip flop--and NOT the opossum. :(

I tip toe and flip--with no flop on the other side into the field --cussing the whole time--looking for my BLACK flip flop. A big F*U to the makers of the wonderful movie "Children Of The Corn" ...I swore everytime I turned my head to the left or right I was going to come across some inbred killer child with the name Zedekiah. I see my flip flop however many yards into the field--and the damn opossum laying there.

Now...anyone who has read my history with lifeless animals already knows that damn thing is not dead (see post about deer -_-). So after learning that valuable lesson, I simply pluck my flip flop up and leave that devil-rat to lay there and die. And ok ok....it was a baby. But it doesn't change the fact that they are disgusting and need  to be exterminated. I put my flip flop on and haul ass out of the field!

I am running out of the field and of course before I can slow my fat ass down I run straight out of the field and onto the road in front of a Culligan truck. I would rather have a sex tape released online then have anyone see me run in flip flops...picture a jiggling Quasimodo from Hunchback of Notre Dame. I have pretty much used up my allotment of oxygen for that little jog out of my death trap...so there I am, hyperventilating on the side of the road, kinda needing to tinkle and in front of the Culligan man.

He pulls over and ask if I need any help...the look on his face is saying 'please God do not make me let this woman in my truck'...and I try to be all cool and I say "Ohhh no, I was just checking out the front end of my car. Its cool. Thanks."..............

He starts to roll away and points behind me and says "Well whatever you were doing in the corn with that baby opossum is your business, I think they are disgusting-have a good day!!!". I look down and the damn baby opossum is sitting by my damn foot and had apparently came running after me.

I left him/her on the side of the road...I even fought the urge not to kinda swerve as I drove away. They aren't so bad after all...

...................ok....who am I kidding, I kicked that nasty ass thing again into the field and hopped into my car. P.S. ....and yes...I am sitting at my desk with one damn flip flop :(

New Rule: Keep ass-kickin shoes in the vehicles at all times.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Sure I would love for you to leave a comment...please be respectful to everyone as always.