Saturday, February 5, 2011

REMIX: As Seen On FB 11/04/09- For My Non-FB Friends :)

As I prepare for the animal version of my 12 Randomly Planned Acts Of Kindness...I am sharing an "incident" that occurred 11/04/ has become some what of a cult hit.  However I suspect it is more about the people that truly know me--can picture this completely. I am a dork...true story. So this is for everyone that I am NOT friends with on FB...Enjoy! PS~ Sorry in advance for the profanity, I was a little traumatized when I wrote this :)

As most of you know, I have long suspected that I am the Dr. Kevorkian of the animal world...little squirrels, opossums, raccoons, and such love to plant their asses in front of my vehicles and have me end their little most of you know...I have a phobia of farm animals, big tongued cows, horses ready to trample...and goats...well goats are the devils kittens--no other way to explain that....

So today I am doing my drive into West Lafayette from Attica, through Pine Village and 26W....I am sipping on my delicious fountain Coke and jamming to some 93.5....I was at the point on 26W where you can turn right and go to Green Hill, or left and go to Otterbein...where the Road Closed sign is (that I completely ignore every morning)...and then it happened....

A perfectly healthy deer comes springing onto the road---I had one of those moments right before it hit my right front side--"Man that f*cker is hauling ass" I don’t have reflexes like a ninja ok?...anyways...I "clip" it with my right headlight does the good ole Stop Drop And Roll into the field....

I get out of the van--shaking and furious...muttering "Stupid damn animals!!!"....I look and there is NO DAMAGE to the van...nothing...not even a clump of fur...nada, nothing. So then I smile, and think "Sh*t Charisma, its all good"....then I turn my head and look into the field...and it is laying there on its side...not moving...nada, nothing.

I was pretty sure there is some "official" number you are suppose to call when you hit a deer...but I have only hit one before this...and my ex husband made me drive back to where it was, placed its dead, bleeding carcass on the hood of my car--where he also rode--so that he could eat it...Ummm in my world that falls under "road kill"...don’t care what you say.

I sit in the van staring out into the field, trying to figure out who the hell I would call...and I swear I see it's little foot move...Now...this is where the story takes a sketchy turn....for some reason--and I still do not know why...I think I need to get out, trudge into the field and "check out the deer"....What the hell I think I am going to do with it---I don’t know...have a I suddenly developed healing hands??? I am after all Kevorkian not friggin Doolittle.

I go out to the field, and I am talking under my breath and saying soothing things...cuz you know deer like that (???)...."Hey little buddy....sorry didn’t mean to clip van is fine, you should be fine alright Bambi?"....Now...once again...I must reiterate...I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I WAS THINKING...I reach down and get about an inch from touching it....its eyes have been open this whole time--and no breathing that I can see....

AND THAT SON OF A (BEEP!) SHOOTS UP LIKE IT IS CARRYING THE DAMN OLYMPIC TORCH IN ITS HOOF AND IS GOING FOR GOLD!!!! didn’t fart, wheeze or cough when it took off...meanwhile I am pretty sure I did all of those things--and I hit the ground like I had been shot.

I am now laying on my a cornfield...pretty sure I pissed myself a little...screaming obscenities at the runaway deer...traffic on 26W is driving by....I lay there for maybe 5minutes...because I am old, and out of shape and I just know I am going to have a heart attack...then it hits me--- It was a decoy...the other deer’s are waiting in the other part of the cornfield that has not been plowed...and they are hungry for stupid human today....that gets me off my back.

As I am heaving myself up and shaking the various corn parts off of me...I see a semi loaded with grain, pull up to my van....I mean...really?...I am sure I looked completely deranged cussing, and stomping through the field...I had already decided that if God wanted to use my vehicle as the Kevorkian-Mobile...then it was possessed and nothing could destroy it--I was going to get in it, drive tthrough that field and hit that stupid deer again--and mean it this time!

The driver leans out his window and says (with a mouthful of SKOAL) "You got some troubles?"....I start giggling, and it sounded crazy even in my own ears...I say to him "You would not believe it if I told you."....he then says...."Well if you’re going to pull over to piss, you should try further down the field where it ain't plowed honey."...I look at him all indignant and say "I was NOT pissing..I was laying down thank you very much!!!"....then I stomp to my van and get in.

Roysdon/Struthers family eating ALOT of deer this year...even if I have to go off road to get me one.

Have a great day everyone....

1 comment:

  1. I laughed so hard reading this it hurt. I wish I could have seen that.


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